The Opposite Way

Living in the same town

For all these years

Doing the same old things

Hanging with the same crowd

And it's starting to get crippling

You've never felt in place

And you tell yourself it's all okay

But something's different today

You want to run the opposite way

And it seems you're locked in a cage

And you need to find a way of escape

When everyone is setting the pace

It's okay to run the opposite way

The Father sent His Son down

The light of men

The cross He bore was crippling

Rejected in His own town

They couldn't see the sun shining

He knelt in the garden and prayed

Father, let this cup pass from me

It's not Your will for me to stay

Your will for me is the opposite way

And it seemed like He was locked in a cage

And He couldn't find a way of escape

But through the cross He conquered the grave

My Jesus ran the opposite way

Oh, and through the cross He conquered the grave

Oh, He ran the opposite way

Yeah, through the cross He conquered the grave

So you could run the opposite way

Leeland Mooring

As many of you may know, Jamie and I have done a whole lot of procrastinating in figuring out the direction we feel led to pursue in our lives. Okay, me more so than him. But this past week has been an eye-opening experience for both of us, I think. It finally clicked in my mind why I've been so reluctant to make any decisions about our future. 

The wheels started turning last weekend when I took those pictures for Hope and Chris. I had honestly forgotten how alive I feel behind a camera. And of course I never feel like I'm good enough at anything I do, so the whole experience has been good for my self-confidence, because I've already gotten so much positive feedback about my work. Which I didn't see coming. At all. Well, anyway, it got me thinking, mainly about what could possibly be holding me back from pursuing professional photography as a career. It's always just seemed like such a crazy and impossible goal, you know? I mean, don't I need to be working a 9-5 job? Living in suburbia? Having a stable and predictable income and lifestyle? What is it that has been sucking me into this dangerous mindset, that the safe way is the best way? Why have I been so tempted to settle, and not follow my heart and my dreams? I mean, I can sit for hours and drool over the incredible photography of some artists that I follow, but all I can do is think to myself that I could never do that for a living. And then there is the guilt that comes with choosing something that doesn't require me to expand my intellect and read lots of books and be important and stuff. And how could I possibly glorify God and serve Him by doing something that might seem superficial to many?

Sometimes it's just best to tell the devil to put a sock in it.

With a lot of encouragement from Jamie and my family (the latter really surprised me, because I fully expected my dad to be disappointed that I didn't want to take the academic route. Quite the contrary, actually. He was very supportive, and seemed glad that I wanted to put my creativity to use on a full-time basis), I've spent the past week doing a lot of research about photography as a career. I've looked into a lot of programs all over the country, but Jamie and I feel really drawn to California right now, where we both have some really good options. And it's about the most opposite way we could take right now, eh? If we live there for a year at first, with Jamie in school, I will be eligible for in-state tuition, which means I can get in an awesome program for about $3,000 total for two years. WHOA baby. Apparently California isn't expensive in every department. 

One of the biggest draws about this whole idea is the prospect of running my own business, on my own terms, being my own boss and being able to avoid the hierarchy and politics of the cubicle life. I can work from home and choose what work I will do and when. It might take some time to get my name out there and get it all going, but I think the payoff will be well worth the patience (and possibly poverty-ha) it takes to get there. I mean, there are plenty of self-employed photographers who make very decent livings. If you don't believe me, look into the average cost of getting a really talented and creative person to shoot a wedding. 

The upside of this is that, when I think to the future, I know Jamie and I will want to start a family at some point, whether by adopting or having our own or both, and I want to stay at home with them at least until they get into kindergarten. Now, depending on how many children there are, I could be at home for a significant portion of my life. Given my predisposition to getting extremely depressed when I'm not being productive and expelling creative energy and putting my mind to work, and the fact that if I even sit in our apt. for more than 3 hours at a time, I get very restless, I think it would be best if I do some sort of work. I've been really inspired by the story of a local photographer, Meggie Velasco, who spent years doing commercial photography, working in retail, etc., and decided to start her own thing when she got pregnant. So now she can spend the majority of her time with her son while working and having an income. AND doing what she loves to do more than anything. 

I haven't been more excited or relieved to make a decision than when I finally chose English as my major simply because it was my passion, despite pressure to pick a "real" major. Whatever that means.

And I've been thinking a lot about how photography could be used to further the Kingdom, and I'm glad that I've been finally able to see through Satan's lies. Everyone is called to do something different (thankfully!), because if we all did the same thing, how would we function as a church? Not everyone is called to be a youth minister or a Bible teacher or even a missionary. Truth is, we can be Jesus to anyone, anywhere, at any time, no matter what we're doing. I'm frankly sick of all the obsession about whether X and Y are God's will, or if God's will is that I move to Ohio or Africa, or if God wants me to wear brown or black shoes today. If you are living the Christ life, being a servant to the lowly, glorifying God with the way you act and the things you say, guess what: you're following God's will for your life. Sometimes He does specifically and distinctly call people to do very particular things, but if we sit around waiting for a spoken message to fall out of the sky, God would probably tell us to stop wasting our time and go read the Bible if we want to know His will. 

For me, I see taking pictures as a way of showing people the things they've been blessed with, and to help them stop to appreciate and be thankful for them. It's easy for us to look over a sunny sky or a beautiful leaf or whatnot, and it's easy for us to forget how precious each moment of our lives are, but it seems to help when these things are captured in an image. Every time I look through our wedding pictures (which is a lot, trust me), I can't help but be amazed and humbled by the beauty of the day that God gave us, and the people he surrounded us with, and even the good food and the chance to come together and celebrate and dance and have a good time. It reminds me of the magnitude of that day, and all that it represented. And I'm glad I'll never be able to forget these thing or take them for granted, because I'll always have the photographs as physical evidence of the glory and goodness of God. I only hope I can do the same for other people.

I could go on more about this, but Gretchen woke up from her nap and is now dragging her basket of toys all over the place to get my attention. It usually works. :)